Nightime sadness

In the darkness of the night,

I awake slowly to a presence

Although I have not seen anyone with my sight

With every fiber of my being, an intrusion is all sense.

Now I am wide awake

Still thinking about what woke me from my slumber

Wishing to wrap all my burdens in a corner and forsake

But then, the thoughts comes tumbling down in spirals of flames and ember.

Gradually, my  mind begins to wander,

To all the repressed memories and all the unexpressed sentiments,

one-by-one, they flash past and i ponder,

While eager to go back to my snoozing moments.

 

The clock continues ticking,

My memories now integrated with hum of melodies 

Yet, my eyes remains glued to the ceiling,

but now clouded with sadness and wiped tears.

Looking at the time now,

Time to get up and get over it,

The instance to let go of the questions  of why and how...

Simply stand up and start to forget  then the pain goes away bit by bit...

 

 

A word for the Gentle Folks!!

(Just to be clear, not all bad guys hurt and not all nice guys are a bore... but talking about extremes of both ends)...

There's a fascinating thing involved in the basic male-female attraction and as most people like to refer to it as some sort of connection; I chose to call it chemistry which is infact the basics of any kind of reaction between 2 separate entities.

Now, I've seen a lot of awful breakup and heartbreak episodes from both male and female friends and its high time I address this issue...it all comes forth in a single statement. 'There are lot of guys in the world; so why do majority of the female population get attracted to the bad boys?'

 I'm certain we all understand the various kind of guys that fall under this platform: these range from the milder kinds who are the typical playboys that change partners like some people do accessories, the mischievous kinds who enjoy going past the limits, taking odd risks and seeking out danger to the hardened type who actually break laws and have criminal affliction in terms of drug abuse, violent acts,e.t.c. Bad guys, rakes or rogues as they are called seem to have better luck with the females more than the nice guys who tend to remain in the friendship  department.

Its no wonder some ladies seem to come across like hurt-magnets because they keep dating the same kind of guy over and over; heartbreaks after heartbreak without once realizing their mistakes. this sort of girls will probably end up settling to marry the 'spectacles-wearing' geek next door, and that's the right word for it; "they settle" probably cuz they got tired of waiting for the assumed right guy to come and sweep 'em off their feet.

I try hard not to judge or assume, afterall almost everyone wants their love story to stand out and be as fairytale-like as possible and i'm no exception.Now, its almost a well known philosophy that girls date bad guys and marrry nice ones mostly cuz the bad ones are not marriage-oriented. That leaves the nice/good guys out of the dating scenes hence practically next to no experience till they get the heart wrecked gal who wants to settle for them. Sucks when kept that way doesnt it? Some girls even already have the loving and caring nice guy at their beck and call, yet throw it all outta the door for a little piece of adventure.

Still, after series of over-extended heartbreak episodes similar causes, why is it still hard to figure out the  factors that leaves the good guys single most of  the time while the girls seem bent on hopping from one hurt-avenue to another?

Also,  what are the cause of this so-called attraction that is spiked up by the dangerous ones. it cant possible be cause the nice ones are unlucky in love or we girls just love the drama that comes wiv getting our emotions trampled on over and over again.
So, below are my thoughts on the reason we've got most of the girls especially the good ones leaping from one scoundrel to another;

From the Roots:
 In every teenage girl's life is a rebellion phase in which all she wants to do is go against her parents or elderly one's wish... I'm not certain but i like to link this up wit all the pent-up frustration of being Daddy's or mum's little angel... So when Its time to get a date to the prom, she won't aim for the nerdy or respectful boy that lives nearby as her parent want, instead all attention seem to be on the most popular kid in school which is rarely the smartest kid in school...nah!!

Those sorta kids are always the star athletes, the one wiv the singing or dancing clique, the one who seem indifferent to all school rules and could care less about the rights of τ̅ђε world.. There seem to be something compelling about the attention given to such guys cuz they tend to find their ways into female's minds, it might appear mere buh this could be connected wiv women's constant need to be the center of attention, to buy flashy accessories to get noticed and envied by their peers.. Being wiv the popular kid 'll definitely get any kid noticed. The knowledge that the guy could probably get his pick outta all girls even makes the feeling more special, just like the crowning a deserving princess from any fairytale.

Gradually:
Now, there are those girls who never enjoyed the thrill of being a rebel, but they are definitely likely to move  to college when its due time. Talk about freedom to do as you please! This is a straight ticket to getting a taste of life in an unrestricted form. They simply want to experience everything they've been missing out on since birth especially some from religion/beliefs-rigid homes.
As expected, the experience they seek wouldn't be  the good sort, nah!! It'll be the partying, drinking and letting loose sorta fun which'll more likely get 'em to meet more of the bad eggs/guys. And compared to those, the nice ones are boring and lifeless and they definitely stand no chance.

Tick Tock!!
Excitement and Intrigue:  This is my personal favourite, there's a lot of heart racing and adrenaline pumping through one's veins when there's a risk to be taken... And everything about being with or dating a confirmed rake screams Risk. I can just imagine all the danger sirens going off in one's head and that either scares a lady off or gets her excited .... This will be called the *shiver through my spin, heart skipping, weak knees* sorta concept.
Being mischievous, naughty, unpredictable and shocking keeps a girl seeking for more. Its simple to understand.... its an adrenaline rush just like any addictive drug and like any addiction, stopping is the hard part. The hurts and pain involved becomes a cycle of cherished feeling!

Romantics...
Now, the most dramatic will be those ladies that are convinced that the typical *innocent girl meets scoundrel, they fell in love and the love changed him*  sequence. Firstly, i can't over-emphasise how pathetic that sounds, the world is filled with already changed men, why bother repairing a broken one when you can get a new one?
Besides, not everyone is suffering from pains of their childhood or being too hurt by former partners. Those lines are already a textbook statement by the way, everybody knows 'em and can use it. So, Fixing a  broken soul  shouldnt really be a set criteria in finding 'the one'. Its good to be good but its just plain dumb to let someone make a fool out of you while you're at it.
A good percentile of guys adapt to the behaviour for no reason at all, hence no one can fix something that was not broken in the first place.

At the end of the day...
In every couple, there's the reacher and the settler... Its a well known philosophy, there'd be one of 'em who settled for someone less than deserving(reacher) and there'd be the one who aimed(reacher) higher than he/she deserves.
So, often more than less, ladies prefer to be the reacher in a relationship, it doesn't seem befitting or encouraging for them to settle for someone below their social,or financial status. And majority of the nice guys whether of the same social standing or not, potray an outlook of being less because all the nice and gentlemanly conducts, chasing after them and doting on them gets written off as kissing up or begging for attention.
This persona portrays them to be less confident and less attractive in female's subconscious. This has proven  to be a major turn-off to girls. Because they tend to get drawn to males who call attention to themselves without speaking, who take what they want without asking much less begging, this is regarded as confidence (although most time its pure arrogance),who behave indifferent, superior, cocky, the list goes on to “bad” behavior.

Its a common knowledge that alluring/inviting and intoxicating personalties - often perceived as playfulness, sexuality and fun is what makes them ruthless in the first place.
Well, This is basically what attract ladies, it'll be too hard not  to have a slight crush (hate or love, people have different ways of dealing with attractions) on someone who potrays all their qualities.
They are exciting and intriguing,  and seeking out a little adventure to spice up life is a welcomed change.
Still, does that mean a regular everyday- nice guy who could give you more security can't also up his game and pep up his acts to get you intrigued?

Because no matter how charming and thrilling a bad guy is, still leaves enough room for doubts and insecurity which is never good for a relationship.

Regardless, the ultimate attraction between a girl and a bad guy is basically inevitable...so,i think the only change is for the good/nice guys; Get off your nice-zone and spice up your acts, not so you'll become complete jerks buh enough to get a girl convinced that You can love her and also rock her world  @ the same time.


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Placer y el Dolor

Letter to the stranger in my heart

You always joked about me not being able to live without you and I always laughed it off,

But you got it all wrong,
One of my concerns or phobia as I call it is being alone. I’ve never quite figured out why that is but I have this line of thought, ‘Everyone leaves’.
It’s that simple and because of it, I always seem to be over compensating.

Guess I was not totally wrong with that theory, at least not relating to you.

So, I can live without you if I put my mind into it, but I just didn’t want to have to make that choice ever.
When we fight over pointless stuffs and drift apart,we may not talk but I always knew we were in a good place and there was always security in knowing that If and when I needed you, you’ll be there.

Now, there’s simply grief in knowing when ‘you’ll never be there’, and then lots of anger cuz I expected much more, @ least I thought I knew you well enough to have more closure, that’s another thing to add to my clueless list. 

Maybe I’m more ignorant than I originally thought, maybe I am oblivious to the truth, maybe I only see what I want to, believe what I need to, maybe…..

You were one of those few that made me feel safe, its sad knowing it meant nothing to you.  Painful knowing the expectation that you will be there and never hurt me is a sham.

I really hope it was worth it all,

My tears, my reaching out as if the world was crumbling down, my worries as if losing you will be the end of everything.

Well, whatever it is or isn’t, One thing remains… You were truly my friend. I never lied about that, never pretended otherwise, I was always honest with you about how and what I  feel, but coming to realize the mutuality of that fact could be imaginary.

You making me feel like nothing, that was the worst part of it all. Its wrong, insulting and it stings.

A part of me wishes it’ll all be over already, that you’ll be gone.. another part wishes you’ll call and we’ll work it out like we always do but we’ve had a real rough patch since last year so maybe its time to move on, maybe its not worth the effort anymore..   

Well, I’ve been trying and I’m not there yet but soon enough I’ll lose this feeling and then there’ll be nothing left and no take-backs!!

JUST ANOTHER FACE IN THE CROWD

I keep a straight face and in my head, a million wars are going on....
I glance around and see smiling faces, could they all know? maybe, maybe not? the contagious curve of their lips do not tell. I smiled back certain that to everyone else, I'm me nothing has changed and nothing is wrong...

Faces and smiles can be such amazing deceiver... thoughts flying in and out of my mind, screaming 'why dont they know?'... cant they tell my world is on a ledge about to tumble down?.... Dont they see i'm stuck in this cage i've created for myself, needing escape.. I want to shout it out but i also want to keep it hidden. i'm lost in my own life.

All this with a smile on my face, my lips are starting to hurt now.. time to straighted up those curve but would it be a give away, maybe a minute longer till there's no one to notice...

a second more...
a minute moree, it wont hurt to wait longer....

'okay now, make it stop!! its starting to hurt to smile', but i cant, i dont want to.. i want to, i need to keep smiling otherwise they'll know.. they'll see through to my mind... they'll realise how much i'm hurting and then those pitiful glances which may or may not come will definitely set me toppling over the edge.

Now, i know why i see smiles on so many strangers, thinking i've somehow put those lovely grins on their faces. its nothing more than an illusion, a coping mechanism to show to the world that they are okay.

I need everything to be the same, i need the world to think it is the same, if i pull it off for long enough.. Lies do become the truth. It doesnt make me a deceiver, just another harmless face in the crowd.... cuz hard as it may seem, we all have things to bury beneath the surface.

Life occurence...........

"Everything happens for a reason", over and over again, those words tends to justify everything good, bad and neutral in our lives... Well, what if one day you awake from your deep slumber and realize, the world is just made up of one random fluke after another? Will the world suddenly stop spinning around its orbit and drop down? Will life as we know it come to an end over the shocking realization? my guess will be a NO....

So, why does it seem  so necessary to justify every occurrence and action as part of a bigger picture, there are no cameras rolling or maybe it ran out of rolls somewhere along the way. In my space, i believe things are exactly like what they seem,  they don't happen till someone makes them happen. Going about justifying peoples actions, words and deeds and tagging it as "things bound to happen because sometime in the far future it'll all tie up into a neat knot" just gets me going...

Every human life is perfectly vague, flawed and haphazard, not for a reason but because it is bound to be with so many distinct variables in it. I often wonder why we expect anything more than just that from it because in the quest of searching for a deeper meaning to every thing, the true significance gets lost in the horizon. Then comes the truly scary thought, What if there is no ultimate reason? What if there are no set rules or guidelines?, What if  there is nothing significant differentiating me from the next person except the fact that we are both Confused on how to live? What if it ends in a split seconds and all you've achieved is nothing because there was nothing to strive for?

I can seat here and probably write a million lines on why things are not meant to be, why all events are coincidental, why each night should be spent going over the day and realizing each time you do, say or imply something could have easily set another series of coincidence in motion, but that'll just be my thoughts and believes and so far they work.

I guess its refreshing and easier to put all the burden on some unknown figure, Faith or destiny wherever she is will have a lot of burden to bear.. Just shuffling all the events we feel are out of our hands away, it'll be a sweet relief but acknowledging this also means you are powerless to stop whatever is in control of your chosen path, your destiny and that is inconceivable to my being.

I cant not be in control of my life, my actions and my thoughts..... accidents happens that gets you off track but that's all it is, coincidence that shouldn't take more than a passing thought. People cross our paths each day, we choose who stays in and who goes unnoticed, the same applies to everything. Your life is all about you, your choices and decisions, accidents should not be interpreted as more than they are.

Gazing through a dream

Every word spoken relieves the mind or so I've been told but each one I say to you only submerges me deep into this impending doom.

I am all alone once again, staring hard at my phone, wishing and hoping that it ends soon, each trailing second passes by and i  am still in this unwieldy zone, in a daze, waiting for a nudge to pull me out. Like always, i know it'll be a long wait but i'm powerless when it comes to this.

Weak, that's one word i barely use to describe and its the only word that can describe how i feel towards you. Staring down, I am not familiar with this endless pining and yearning sensation. This is not me, the only thing i do better than holding on loosely is letting go. I don't crave for the unobtainable, i don't wish for the impossible, i don't expect the  unattainable , i don't ask for the unaffordable and i definitely don't aim for the unreachable. I know my limits, I'm well grounded. So, what's so unique about you?

You make me want to believe in all the words you whisper, I guess my defenses are wearing out cuz i'm always eager to hear more of those lies, experience those meaningless statements that still find their way deep into the core of my imagination.

What's so rare that makes me susceptible to your charms, I have too much on my mind but you still manage to crawl up and become the center of my contemplations. All i feel from you is your fervent personality, threatening to burn me if i come too close, and still coaxing me to come closer and experience what its like to be burnt. I hate this feeling and still i revel in it, my thoughts roam through various possibilities and still there are no options open to choose from. Its a revolving circle and it always brings me back to the starting point...

You.... You are a sparkling ray of my hearts desires, you feed my passion, my mind, my soul...

 You are my dream and like all dreams, Reality awaits at the other end....

Waiting....... "PPPPIIIINNNNGGGGG"

Alarms off again, time to wake up into the new day..... Leaving the weakness behind under the sheets.

WILTING HEART

There are words in my heard begging to be free,Statements waiting for their escape, Actions silently reminding me to use 'em. Just sitting still, listening to the war going on in my head, Sometimes its hard to believe I'm still sane.. I hear voices that keep calling me, keep urging me, they keep compelling me.. Its hard to know the good from the bad when the echoes are truly endless.. I filter through the sounds, to that one voice that remains when all others have died down, it seem the saddest of them all, it keeps crying out for love and trust, I only wish I could reach out and communicate with her, why does she weep so much? While others keep arguing and urging, all she does is plead and weep, every day its becoming harder to hear her as her sound is getting weaker.. She should stop being sad, I'm happy and I'm doing great, I have the Love I need, might be from just one buh its enough to last a while... Suddenly,she answered me... 'No, you're not'... It took me a while to figure the sound was from my head, 'I am', I thought back.... ' You have too much sadness and anger in me,its draining up the happiness and love that's left', I was about to shout at the absurdity of those words when I realised, she's right!! All those past emotions don't fade away so easily, the build up to form the wall around me...they shield me from people and their lies, from promises that are never kept, from endless words with no actions, from disappointments and hurtful expectations. A while was all I needed, and I thought, why would I risk so much pain just for happiness? I'm pretty content right now and I like my life just fine; seeking for more will just be too much and then it is bound to all end, then I heard her, it was barely a whisper, but it was spoken a voice that was too familiar to me, my own! 'Maybe and Maybe not...You'd never know if You don't try'